Having just taken half of a clonazepam (approx .25mg), I find myself as frustrated as possible waiting for it to take. It will take a bit, 25–30 minutes generally, and by then I hope my heart rate goes down. The oximeter read 103 at first (98% o2), but trended downward quickly, hesitating in the low 90s before settling on 89 for a minute. Although watching the little graph beat with me and focusing on my breathing can generally lower my heart rate, it took but a moment to come back to reality and see that number tick up again.
I set my keyboard illumination to a brilliant blue on the left, then purple, then teal, then yellow. It doesn’t quite nail the saccharine sweet pastel Christmas tones I am drawn to, but it works. The pattern is set to ‘breath,’ which I almost always call ‘breathe,’ since the only other option for custom colors is static and after the month of Halloween I seemed to find myself enjoying the breathing pattern far more than the ‘smooth’ transition through the rainbow. It is a delightful distraction.
I do not know enough about the court cases happening right now to give anything other than a kneejerk reaction to the reality we could very well be staring down, but it’s throwing more stress on top of my already stressed brain and body. I know that if things go sour I will be offering myself to take folks from the hat that is WI for a brief vacation down here if needed. IL is my safe place, but as the owner of a uterus, what do I know?
Sleep has not come easily, and I am missing out on my prime hours lately as I am waking up at irregular and too-early hours. Ideally, I should be out cold from 4–9am and missing that particular section of sleep is incredibly draining, which then just makes me more tired and more likely to miss sleep again in those prime hours for a week or more. And so it has been, and I am too tired to feed the animals tonight, and the one shaped like a prickly pear is very upset with me. I will feed them when I get up. It is colder now, their metabolism has slowed somewhat, they will be fine, but I feel bad.
Due to this exhaustion, my barriers have been down and depression has rushed in, bringing with it all sorts of wonderful effects that bother me. My anxiety has also been high, so I find myself easily irritated by sounds and other such stimulation, easily heartbroken over everything, easily frustrated when sense has gone out the window and peoples’ rights are on the line because…reasons?
I was too anxious when I got up today. Saw that I had received money for bills, and wanted to go fix a problem I was planning on fixing. I like to make the argument that I could quit nicotine whenever and I just don’t feel like it, but I’m pretty sure that’s common nonsense that everyone says. Certainly, as my devices, tanks, coils, everything failed over the past few days, I was hit with cravings but was more bothered by the loss of my habit, the action itself. I know that even if the first couple days would be rough, I could end it. I just…don’t want to. But again, that is cliche. Regardless, I was anxious about leaving the house, although ended up doing so.
The vape guy, he’s about 24? let that slip last time I was at the shop with my dad and we were having something of a generational conversation. He owns this chain of shops though, makes me wonder what on earth I’ve done with my life. But he is a nice person, remembers me, what I want, knocked a couple bucks off a mod I picked up to replace mine, and showed some genuine concern when talking about how my tremors were particularly bad at the moment because my blood sugar was low. Didn’t seem like he’d let me leave unless I confirmed that there was something in my car to help me out — there wasn’t, but his store is within falling distance of a donut shop, there were options. There is something about that gentle, caring nature that feels healing.
This was shortly ruined by a trip to a pet store a couple towns south of me. Not that the store itself was anything other than what I expect — it smells strongly of small mammals, is always rearranged, and cycles reptiles and invertebrates enough that one has to stop and observe the creatures they are interested in — but that the employee I have become somewhat accustomed to seeing was being very loud with a customer about how he’d been working there for six years and was leaving soon. Truthfully, fine. Although he has been welcoming, certain aspects of his behavior have been off putting. Namely, ditching a mask pretty early into the pandemic. His t-shirt today had something about thinking while we can before it becomes illegal, with a US flag on it. Covid denial truther bullshit grates against my nerves generally. His attitude otherwise was blase, not caring that he was leaving soon, although his need to express this loudly and keep talking about it seemed somewhat contrary to his mood.
Moreover, I asked if there were any baby crested geckos in the enclosure marked with them. $45. He digs one out, stating that it’s weird that ‘he is burrowing in the substrate’ as they are arboreal. Well…he is burrowing because he’s shedding and it’s fucking dry in this stupidly empty bin. I am giving it some time, but if the gecko is still there soon I may take him away from such abysmal setups. The big thing was when this tiny baby focused onto the wall and repositioned himself in such a way on the employee’s finger that suggested he was going to try to jump to the wall. I told him, the gecko that is, that it was a bad decision and he would not stick to the wall. Employee said he may, but we both expected otherwise, then the employee encouraged this gecko to jump. Face first, as expected, into the wall.
I do something similar with my geckos. One of the racks is at the foot of my bed, with a blanket hung up on it to separate them from me. Disturbs them less, keeping their stress lower, keeps my bed clear, it just is a good divider. It is also a blanket, thus soft. The pile on it is too great for the geckos to adhere, however, so if I am handling them at the foot of the bed and they aim themselves toward it I usually have the same conversation with them as I did with the baby. You will not stick to that. Sometimes I let them jump, and they do not stick, and tumble onto the blankets on the bed. It is a learning experience, or perhaps not one as they will inevitably try again (the number of attempts vary dependent on the gecko in question, some wise up to it very quickly, others do not), but it is ultimately safe. They land face-first into something soft, then they flop down onto something soft. I would never encourage them to jump face-first into a wall. It was cruel to do so and the longer that festers in my mind the angrier I am about it.
Good riddance to that guy.
The baby was one of the smallest I’ve seen, and my first few from Eddie were very small. He was already missing his tail and the healing looked complete, but he had a lot of baby features still. Uncertain of age. His markings were reminiscent of one of those babies that passed too, reminding me a lot of Vo. I had the least amount of time with him, ultimately, but that dorsal patterning was gorgeous and memorable. Thinking about that all again has my heart feeling heavy.
78. The meds are kicking in and my anxiety is lessening. My frustration still gnaws at me though. So does my hunger, as it seems to do when I take these.
It is not dissimilar to being high from cannabis, although leaves me far more functional. The want to eat all of the things definitely shows up though, and now I regret not getting myself snacks. It is also interesting that, although it is a depressant, it does not have the long-term effect of wrecking my antidepressants the way alcohol does. It has been long enough away from cannabis that I cannot compare that either, and that is fine. The only thing I miss about it is the increased synesthesia, but that’s not an impossible thing to find outside of altering my mental state. …that is worded in a funny way, since synesthesia is arguably altering one’s mental state. Ah well. I get a little scatterbrained too though, with the benzo. This is only really a problem if I am sitting here writing nonsense in a ‘story’ that I have no idea about whether or not it will be kept.
The first temptation is to get a snack. A sandwich, except it is composed of super thinly sliced salami and has Swiss cheese as breads. Ham and Swiss hits a little better, but as I see this is regular Swiss and not Baby Swiss, as in “sharp cheese is too intense for my baby self and I need gentler Swiss,” the higher salt content of salami cuts the sharpness better. The high fat will also keep me feeling okay through the night. But this is all a digression.
The first temptation is to go back after that employee has quit and see if the gecko is still there, as it is likely that he will be sold before Christmas because some idiot somewhere decided that getting their kids a pet that needs daily, specialized care is a good idea. A working theory is that if I go back and he is still there, then it is meant to be, if he is not, then it was not. That same theory would hold true for a post-Christmas second temptation, so then it comes down to how I want to play my chances. And ultimately? I am too tired to care for me. Feeding another mouth is more stress. Although caring for such a little thing would not actually add a tremendous deal of stress, and they will acclimate better to a person the younger they are treated well. And he will never be encouraged to jump face-first into a wall again. I feel bad misting my little ones’ enclosures and having them attack the water droplets like they are bugs. It is water, please stop smashing your face into things.
I stopped at a pet store closer to my house on the way home, just to cleanse my palate from the thrilling bullshit that was the other pet store. They had a young bearded dragon who was missing a small bit of his tail up near the front of his enclosure, so I squatted and asked that he give me the judgmental look I needed in my life. I was rewarded this much. It helped. Plus the brief interaction with the person working the register, although a little awkward due to one of the things I grabbed not having a price on it at all and us having to hike back to the section so she could scan its barcode, was overall a pleasant experience.
It was a piece of mopani. These woods are things I need to stay away from as they are tempting enough that I have more than I need for my enclosures. One of the densest, hardest woods, they are natural works of art. They’re good to sink into aquariums, although due to their incredible tannin content they need to be soaked/rinsed a great deal so as not to color the water brown. They’re also very good woods for humid environments as they are resistant to mold and degradation. I have yet to meet a gecko that does not thoroughly enjoy their mopani as much as I do, and I am hoping this one works perfectly for Ripley. It is shaped somewhat like a bouquet or a tornado, with that conical shape and a divot in its wider area. While it will not provide adequate closure against the world from all sides, it will be a nice napping location with a little space to curl up in.
The mopani pieces end up on the floor of the enclosures as they are too heavy to just silicone to the wall. One may find better luck going the ‘building a background from Great Stuff’ route, however even then I would suggest an overall lighter, flatter piece. I do like interesting shapes that allow for climbing and hiding and so do the geckos. Even Alduin will sleep with enough regularity on his rather flat piece of mopani that it stains his feet between sheds. Anyhow, this bouquet has a spot in the back corner of Ripley’s bigger enclosure, and it will carry a lot of weight in terms of ground coverage and a climbing opportunity.
I also picked up a cork round that seemed ideal for her to curl up in, since she tends to twist herself into circles to sleep. Very cute! It is not as tight as the half a coconut she likes now, but will accommodate her as she grows larger. Provided she does not surpass both her parents so greatly in size that she becomes a leachie, she will fit in it perfectly in her adulthood. It is secured up near the top of the enclosure — just silicone holding it up to the glass — with enough space for her to crawl on top of it if she pleases, and I have carved some of its front so that it works better with the other pieces I put in there already. Perhaps I should write about the artistry of setting up an enclosure at some point.
It is not that point.
I am very tired, I am very depressed. The medicine has helped alleviate some of my harsher reactions to depression, and will allow me to sleep easy. Fingers crossed I can get a good 12 hour sleep out of it too, which gets me right through the sweet spot.
Thank you, if you have gotten through this diatribe about minor, and major, frustrations during an exhausted time. And without picture breaks, shame on me.
