Ambiguously Awry

Mothwings
4 min readJan 4, 2024

(eta: serotonin)

I am unwell.

I’m uncertain as to what it is, or why it is, I am simply unwell.

It started a couple days following my first returning visit with my psychologist — the company she was with previously decided to upend their mental health department (presumably to outsource to some exclusively telehealth company located in another state) and replace it with brain surgery. There is an off-color joke about lobotomies in there — so we were doing our virtual visit through the company she now works for. A further digression, but the previous company as well as the one for my primary care needs to take notes on how to make a functional patient portal.

That aside, this onset of symptoms was a few days before Christmas. I am finding it difficult to remember what the original symptoms were, but I think they were some degree of dizziness, perhaps vertigo. It has stuck with me since, and after just now taking the trash downstairs for garbage day, I am reeling.

Ambiguity sets in when all of the symptoms could mean anything, or nothing. Combined they are not illustrative of a definitive answer. Whatever has gone awry, it will need some deeper delving to solve.

I wonder sometimes about what I am doing here. While I decided to start writing based off someone telling me I am a good writer (and the two of us arguing about it, him seeing it in a largely black and white good-or-bad way and me seeing it as being okay with small moments of something very nice and a large body of somewhat adequate pieces), my page devolved into something nonsensical. A dumping grounds of whatever thought needed to be put in the void. A journal. The occasional flowery prose. A lot of words that mean, ultimately, nothing.

It is difficult today. I am ambling about, thoughts loosely bouncing around. I will write, but it will not be substantive.

Dizziness and/or vertigo couples with an inherent sensation of fullness near the front and sides of my head. It is not necessarily a headache, but it is uncomfortable. I can hear a whooshing in primarily my left ear — my blood moving, but no heartbeat. Mentally, I am a mess. Some of this is definitely related to Christmas without Grandma, and today is her birthday, and I am grieving. I am depressed, and lonely. Some of this seems based on physical sensation, however, and I find that alarming. I have approached a number of conversations with a notably flat affect, which is largely a depression thing, however some of it is my current inability to really focus or find any words to say. It reminds me of the blankness a person with dementia shows, not really being on this plane of existence.

Adding in: the vertigo did impact a trip to Walgreens, whereupon I found myself somewhat nauseated.

There is then the tremor. Tremors are inherent to my existence, as I have had the essential variety for as long as I can remember. Perhaps this is just part of me, part of my neurology, or perhaps it is due to the multiple concussions I decided to give myself as a toddler. I did apparently enjoy throwing my head into things, after all. Regardless, the tremors I experience regularly are a ‘light’ shaking, almost exclusive to my hands. They can worsen at times with exhaustion, low blood sugar, too much caffeine, but they only seem to do so in my hands. Truthfully, my tremors have gotten worse over the past year, but still they are only the light shaking, whereas what I am experiencing now is very heavy and deep. I can feel this rhythmic rocking, or bobbing, up throughout my torso, and strongly throughout my arms and neck. Previous to today, when I would stand I would feel the bobbing in my neck, but today it is present while sitting.

Go to the doctor.

Palpitations…not a stranger, although they should be. It is highly likely that I experience them on occasion just through being one entire anxiety. They are also somewhat regular occurrences as my heartbeat slows for sleep — this does not bother me, rather it seems like gear downshifting. During this bout of Whatever, however, they are regular, and uncomfortable. It is a clenching sensation with missed beats. Not painful, like the extremely rare ones that bother me but are too infrequent to check, but uncomfortable.

Is this related to the weakness?

My arms feel weak — insert “Lose Yourself” — as do my legs. There is a muscular stiffness in both areas, but it is different. For my arms, their movement seems to require more effort. For my legs… I am not a stranger to this feeling of weakness upon getting up after sitting for a long period. A tightening, and difficulty in walking. When it is particularly bad I will squat, kneel, or even sit, getting over myself and any embarrassment I feel doing this in public. It happens once, I loosen up, things are normal. However, when recently visiting a friend, the initial sensation passed, only to return as I started walking down the stairs to her basement room. It felt terrifying in that moment, although simply sitting on stairs was certainly an option.

I am typing myself into not questioning If I should go to my doctor, but rather that I really ought to.

I’ve lost my focus entirely. The extent to which my mental acuity is lacking is a grave concern. While there were certainly interruptions in writing the above, the loss of concentration alarms me.

With input from my dear friend, suggestions from Mom and potential help from her, I am…pretty much insisting to myself that unless I feel markedly better tomorrow by some miracle, I will go.

I wanted to keep writing, and had a secondary piece planned to go over grief, but I don’t think I can.

I am unwell.

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Mothwings

Someone told me I was a good writer. I'm not, so this is a blog. Tend to one’s own flame, and do not extinguish the flames of others.